> For the complete documentation index, see [llms.txt](https://pop-lab.gitbook.io/professional-devel-docs/llms.txt). Markdown versions of documentation pages are available by appending `.md` to page URLs; this page is available as [Markdown](https://pop-lab.gitbook.io/professional-devel-docs/dealing-with-conflict-and-difficult-individuals/dealing-with-inter-personal-conflict-and-difficult-individuals-advice-and-resources.md). # Dealing with inter-personal conflict and difficult individuals: Advice and resources ## Key principles ### Pause/reflect before you respond Take an 8-10 second break before responding. That allows you to regain your composure, reflect on your answer, and take control of the timing of the interaction. ### "I" statements Say, e.g., "When you copy my supervisor on emails, **I** feel accused of misconduct." instead of "Why are **you** accusing me of misconduct?" . ### Focus on actions, not personal traits "When you raised your voice in our meeting it made me feel attacked" instead of "You're such an aggressive bully". ### Clearly express what you are asking for "Please stop coming to my office outside of previously-scheduled appointments." "Please stop raising your voice." "Please stop accusing me." ### Set boundaries "I'm afraid I can't continue this discussion if you keep raising your voice" … "if you keep interrupting me" … etc. "Please stop contacting me" … "about this matter" … "in this way" … etc ### Don't explain yourself or get dragged into debate "Never associate with idiots on their own level, because, being an intelligent man, you'll try to deal with them on their level - and on their level they'll beat you every time" - Yul Brynner quoting Jean Cocteau "Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience" - wrongly attributed to Mark Twain ### Use labels By labeling how you perceive the interaction, you help to correct misunderstanding and also call out/defuse strategies meant to destabilize you. "That sounds like a threat". "You appear to be implying I have done something illegal" ### Employ active listening Give the other person cues that you are listening to them, and pay close attention to what is said. This encourages the other person to speak, gives you an opportunity to find out their point of view/goal (which is frequently hidden), and also to identify inconsistencies in their arguments: ammunition you can use to protect yourself. ### Narrow the discussion Instead of addressing all the claims made by the other party, have them select the one thing that they most care about (otherwise they will bombard you with a bunch of stuff just to see what sticks). ### Redirect Instead of saying "no", turn the tables and say something along the lines of: "I can't do this, what's your flexibility?" "How do you expect me to do this?" "I will consider this and get back to you" ### Document everything Retain emails & other documentation that verifies a timeline/pattern of behavior. Follow up any in-person meeting with an email summarizing your perception of the salient points discussed. Patterns matter! Any one interaction with an abusive individual can be dismissed as perhaps reasonable, but repeated interactions and targeted attacks demonstrate a pattern of harassment/bullying. **Note:** "bullying" is typically defined as a **targeted** and **repeated** action that is **unwelcome** by the person being bullied. A documented timeline helps to prove the first two elements, while the latter can be documented by your explicit requests to cease. ### Build a network of allies Find people who will believe you, rather than "peacemakers" who are more likely to give both parties the benefit of the doubt and suggest you may be "overreacting". Particularly useful are people who can help you prioritize what you need to address and what you can let go. ### Leverage policies and institutional supports Not foolproof, but often people (managers, HR staff, etc.) and/or institutional policies can provide you with some protection. ### Develop coping strategies **Follow key wellness principles:** consistent bed time and sleep duration, balanced diet, appropriate hydration, physical activity, exercise the mind, social engagement. Some useful practices: * Mindfulness * Meditation * Yoga * Sports * Hobbies * Social games …your thoughts? ### Know yourself Mindfulness is helpful - learn to know when you are being triggered, and resort to coping strategies ## Resources ### On workplace harassment ### I statements ### Active/dynamic listening ### Labeling and mirroring