> For the complete documentation index, see [llms.txt](https://pop-lab.gitbook.io/professional-devel-docs/llms.txt). Markdown versions of documentation pages are available by appending `.md` to page URLs; this page is available as [Markdown](https://pop-lab.gitbook.io/professional-devel-docs/dealing-with-conflict-and-difficult-individuals/dealing-with-difficult-high-conflict-people-things-to-look-out-for.md). # Dealing with difficult/high-conflict people: things to look out for ## Preliminaries Look up the following terms: * High-conflict individual * Narcissist * Malignant narcissist ## Strategies you may encounter ### Self-enhancement Intended to get themselves stature they don't have/don't deserve. Frequently claim to be experts in everything and reference awards/accolades they have received. **How to defuse:** Ignore. No need to antagonize them. ### Friends then foes Intended to use/leverage you, and obtain information that can be weaponized in the future. Beware of undeserved praise, e.g., "Oh wow, your work is so interesting" (even if they don't know anything about your work), or other attempts to create connections (e.g., offering help you don't need, etc.). If it feels unnatural/contrived, it probably is. Often information they gather while being "friends" will be used against you when they turn on you (e.g., because you disagree with them, or they perceive your actions as a slight). **How to defuse:** Be careful about the information you share. Particularly with people who appear to be disingenuous in their praise for you. ### False urgency Intended to impair your rational/evaluative brain processes. "I need you to sign on this document now otherwise I will lose a major contract" **How to defuse:** Ask for proof that urgency is real. Ask for details. ### Allegations of misconduct/threats Intended to destabilize you/threaten you in order for you to give in. "If you don't authorize this purchase, you'd be violating the terms of my grant award and the federal sponsor will disqualify the university" "If the dean hears about your decision, you'd be in big trouble" **How to defuse:** Ask them to clarify what makes them believe this is the case ("I was not aware this is such a major issue, can you share with me the documents that support this so that I can help you?"). Challenge them to follow through with the threat: "I believe my decision is correct - please do reach out to the dean in case you think I'm wrong". ### Reference to unverifiable sources Intended to deflect potential attacks on their point. "Many people told me that they your work is superficial" "I've heard at a conference that … " **How to defuse:** Ask them to provide more details/proof: "Really? Can you give me more details of what part of my work is superficial? At what conference did you hear this? I was not aware people knew me at the conferences you typically attend." ### Lies Related to the two points above - they will use anything to support their position, including bending or ignoring the truth. **How to defuse:** Ask for details/documentation for any verifiable claim they make. Document any lies that you can verify as false. ### Flooding the zone Intended to destabilize you. They will challenge you/accuse you on many different fronts to see what sticks. As you respond to one allegation, they will counter with several more. **How to defuse:** Focus your response on just one of their allegations and keep the answer short, leaving no room for elaboration. Delay: "I've heard your concern and I will consider it and get back to you". ### Questions, and more questions Intended to destabilize you and to gain information that they can use against you. They will challenge your decision/position by asking you to justify yourself. As you provide one answer, they will come up with ten more. **How to defuse:** Refuse to engage. You don't need to explain yourself. "I've made my decision. If you believe it is wrong, please reach out to my supervisor".